First off, it's almost impossible to find a tailor competent enough to cut a suit appropriate for the lizard body. Do you really think that the media will take seriously a spokes-gecko without the proper business attire? Sure, I could have hacked it business casual in San Fran during the Internet boom, but after the bust? You've gotta have a double breasted pin stripe to get five minutes time with a junior reporter from the local news rag.
Secondly, how about those mic stands? Look, I'm 10" long from tail to nose, and while most guys would kill for that kind of stat, that means I've gotta be straddling the mic itself to talk to a press crowd. It's embarrassing, I mean in-fucking-credibly embarrassing.
And working a crowd? Forget it! If I'm not dodging loafers and pumps I've got some beer soaked, fat fingered senior manager trying to lift me off the hoers d'oeuvre tray. Let's not even talk about the business hand shake.
Sure, I look great on TV. I know this. But where else can I go from here? Despite years of hard work we lizards are still up against a glass ceiling. Of course, I can hang upside down and walk across it, but that doesn't make it any less insulting.
Originally published 2006-10-27